Reflections on PCOS

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's an endocrine disorder that effects pretty much every part of your femininity, from screwing up your menstrual cycle to hair thinning, the symptoms are many & the severity variable from patient to patient. Here are the parts that get to me the most: sporadic & erratic periods, hair thinning, hirsutism (excess hair growth on face & body), and infertility. Being stripped of 3 of the most defining qualities of femininity, I feel exposed. I feel alienated. I feel the need to hide it & avoid it any way I can. How can you feel beautiful when you can see bald spots in your hair? How can you feel beautiful at the prospect of nonstop waxing & shaving & plucking & the fear that you'll miss a spot or someone will guess your secret? How can you feel like a real woman in the face of barrenness? I know it can be done, but our society does not prepare you for it, nor even make place for you to admit it's existence without judgment or ridicule. 


PCOS is one of my secret areas of shame. You have no idea the amount of self-consciousness I feel putting this out in the open, but I feel it must be done because the truth is I feel less of a person because of this illness. I feel broken. I feel inadequate. I feel the deepest shame when it comes to these issues. Sure, no one makes fun of the balding cancer patient, but what about the balding PCOS patient who has tried everything possible to reverse hair loss & still it thins & thins & thins? I never thought until the last few years how much depends on a full head of hair, but a combination of PCOS, Hypothyroidism, & Psoriasis have left me this & all I can think is WHY ME? It's humiliating.


I'm not trying to sound melodramatic or even asking for pity, but these are emotions that I have shoved under the rug for a long time. I've never truly confronted them or worked through them. That is what I am doing with this entry: facing my demons. I'm saying I have an illness & it embarrasses the heck out of me. I have an illness that even after 15 years, I've never come to terms with. I have no idea how I'm going to do that, but I think writing this is a start...Until tomorrow...

Today I feel this: