Reflections on PCOS

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's an endocrine disorder that effects pretty much every part of your femininity, from screwing up your menstrual cycle to hair thinning, the symptoms are many & the severity variable from patient to patient. Here are the parts that get to me the most: sporadic & erratic periods, hair thinning, hirsutism (excess hair growth on face & body), and infertility. Being stripped of 3 of the most defining qualities of femininity, I feel exposed. I feel alienated. I feel the need to hide it & avoid it any way I can. How can you feel beautiful when you can see bald spots in your hair? How can you feel beautiful at the prospect of nonstop waxing & shaving & plucking & the fear that you'll miss a spot or someone will guess your secret? How can you feel like a real woman in the face of barrenness? I know it can be done, but our society does not prepare you for it, nor even make place for you to admit it's existence without judgment or ridicule. 


PCOS is one of my secret areas of shame. You have no idea the amount of self-consciousness I feel putting this out in the open, but I feel it must be done because the truth is I feel less of a person because of this illness. I feel broken. I feel inadequate. I feel the deepest shame when it comes to these issues. Sure, no one makes fun of the balding cancer patient, but what about the balding PCOS patient who has tried everything possible to reverse hair loss & still it thins & thins & thins? I never thought until the last few years how much depends on a full head of hair, but a combination of PCOS, Hypothyroidism, & Psoriasis have left me this & all I can think is WHY ME? It's humiliating.


I'm not trying to sound melodramatic or even asking for pity, but these are emotions that I have shoved under the rug for a long time. I've never truly confronted them or worked through them. That is what I am doing with this entry: facing my demons. I'm saying I have an illness & it embarrasses the heck out of me. I have an illness that even after 15 years, I've never come to terms with. I have no idea how I'm going to do that, but I think writing this is a start...Until tomorrow...

Today I feel this:

What's This All About?

So, some might think, "Jenny, you already have a blog. Why Another?" My answer is: "It's necessary." What weighs on me more than anything is the status of my health. In the last 5 years I've been diagnosed with 5 new chronic diseases. In the last 3 years, I've gained 65 lbs giving me a BMI of 39.1. That's obesity, my friends, plain & simple. For me to be in the normal range, I would have to lose 115 lbs. This is not just about being normal or feeling good about myself though. 
If I don't change my lifestyle & lose weight, it's a guaranteed certainty I that:

• I will develop type 2 diabetes
• My liver function will continue to decrease & eventually cause cirrhosis
• My psoriatic arthritis will continue to flair & make mobility increasingly difficult
• My GERD & Gastroparesis will damage my esophageal lining
• My menses will never be regulated
• I am at high risk to develop heart disease, high blood pressure, metabolic syndrome, etc
• & The most painful of these consequences: I might never conceive

It's embarrassing to think that most of my medical problems are self induced. It's embarrassing to think that I would never have made it to this point with 7 diagnosed diseases if I could just control my eating habits & exercise more. I can't give you enough words to describe the levels of anxiety & shame that arise when I face this reality, but these images speak to that part of me:

If there is one thing I hope to accomplish with keeping this blog, it's to get support. I have proven time & time again that I am not capable of handing my diet & motivating myself to eat well on my lonesome. Words of encouragement have not been enough either. I think what I need is both self-accountability & inspiration from others working in conjunction towards the common goal of health. I've said it so many times in the last 5 years, but I'm tired of feeling lost & I'm tired of feeling tired & I 'm tired of letting my body control me. I want my life back. I want my body back. I want my cherished aspirations to include health & fitness & general well-being & I want my aspirations of health to become my reality. I know I'm going to fail. I know I'm going struggle, but eventually I also know, I am going to succeed because there has to be another option than just watching my body & in consequence, my life fall to shambles. I won't accept that as an option any longer.