Voyage Home

My voyage into the land of 2x was both perilous & debilitating. I am so very glad to be back in the familiar land of XL. I can't say that it's home or anywhere near a final destination, but it's safe. Friday night I was making my weekly thrift store run & felt inspired to try on some blue jeans. I found some super cute size 18s & was pleasantly surprised to find them too large. Well, let's tell the honest truth here: size 18s were always too large in certain areas. I don't what major body changes designers think women go through between size 16 & 18, but I assure you, my ass does not triple in size. The problem with my body type is this: it kind of tapers like a carrot. The higher up on my waistline I place my pants, the tighter they become & the slope gets worse as my weight increases. This is why it's impossible for me to wear pantyhose (if ever I had the inclination to). They just roll down constantly, but that's another story altogether. Think about it this way: I gained 80 lbs & only went up 1 pant size. I know, it makes no sense, right? But, alas it was impossible to find well fitting pants in my overweight-ness. This can be accredited to 2 reasons: 1.) I have no ass & designers ASSume women of a certain size must & 2.) My stomach size was constantly changing due to my gastroparesis.

All in all, not counting just this current string of weight loss efforts, but total weight loss from my 80 lb gain, I have lost 31 lbs. I still have 50 to go just to get back to my normal weight, & another 30 or so to get to a healthy weight, but I'm proud of my progress. Here's photo proof of it:

1 Year Ago - August 2011

Yesterday :)

15 lbs! Say What?!

Ok, so maybe I don't know that much about the mechanics of weight loss,but I've been following my 1650 calorie diet pretty strictly & this is not some 1-2 lb weight loss a week going on here. In 20 days I've lost 15 lbs. It's exciting. It's awesome, but should I be concerned at the rate I'm dropping the pounds? Shouldn't it have slowed down a bit? Maybe it's because my stomach has started to work again. I have lost 6 inches in my waist. That's monumental given my constant state of bloating these last 2 years. I've been following the gastroparesis diet pretty strictly - low fiber, lots of liquids, etc - & digestion seems to be relatively back in business, although I would not yet call it normal. I don't know. I'm happy, but part of me fears that this is too good to be true or that I'm doing something wrong for it to be dropping so quickly. Any ideas?

I feel great right now, almost like I can wear real, non-stretchy pants again! That will be AMAZING!! I tried a bit of aerobic exercise this week, but my joints were not feeling it. Guess I'll have to lose a bit more weight for the pressure to not be overwhelming. I'm dying to go swimming. I tried to talk Aaron into it today, but he's got way to much homework to even consider it. Once his finals are over in a couple of weeks though, you can't keep me away from the water! In the meantime, I'm half-way through the Hunger Games trilogy this weekend. Reading it makes me feel a little stronger. I love being inspired by fiction. I love rereading my favorite books during different phases of my life & seeing how differently I interpret them. The question is: Harry Potter or Percy Jackson next?

Today I feel like this...
the more confused, more childish version of myself...

& yes, this is actually me as a child...

Progress Report

Since I started this blog on July 7th (18 days ago) I have lost:

•  11 lbs
•  4 inches from my waist & hips
• &  my lack of enthusiasm for moving forward

Really, I feel more determined every day to keep this going. I feel like I'm doing it the right way, for the right reasons & I'm not letting negativity or disappointment dictate what I put in my body. It's so freeing. I know it will be a long time until I get it all off, but it's coming off, ounce by ounce, day by day, 1 good choice at a time. I have had more road blocks than I thought imaginable in the last 18 days, but writing has helped me through them. Knowing that if I mess up I'm accountable to way more than myself has kept me going so many times already. They say if you can make it through the first month, a habit is developed & it's easier from there. I'm gonna make it to one month & breeze on by. 

I've been contemplating setting goals so that I can keep pushing myself forward & I'd like to set up a few specifics that are broad enough that I don't beat myself up if I don't quite make it on time & that are specific enough that it's a bit of a stretch. If I, as recommended by most diet plans, lose 1-2 lbs a week for the rest of the year, I'll have lost around 30-50 additional lbs by the end of 2012. Thus my goals are as follows: 

• 25lb total weight loss by my birthday in October
• 50lb total weight loss by New Year's Eve

Now the exciting question is: HOW DO I REWARD MYSELF IF I GET THERE?!

Today I feel:

Victory!

My stomach has decided to digest foods again! I'm not sure if it was the liquid diet or the addition of aloe vera juice, but look at the difference! (Note: I tried to make the poses/setting identical so you could really tell the difference :)

Not only am I right back on track with my weight loss, I feel hopeful again that I CAN BEAT THIS! What a great way to start the week :) 

Last night I was watching Taboo on National Geographic (my new favorite show) & they were doing a special on the taboo of "Fat." Really it was very eye opening. Watching a 650 lb man who hasn't been out of bed for years really would wake any overweight person up, I would think. I don't want to be that person, not because it's taboo to be fat. Not because the world tells me it's not ok, but because of this statement by Professor James Hill, a nutrition specialist (& believe me, this is very loosely quoted...it was taken from a TV show after all, but this is the gist of it) 

The fear is not that our children will not live as long as us, it's that they will live as long but with a multitude of debilitating diseases...because it's more likely that we're all going to become obese than we are to get to a healthy weight

 The illnesses that come along with obesity are absolutely life-altering in a negative way. I can personally attest to that. I don't want it for my children & I certainly don't want it for myself. I am not going to just beat this though. I'm going to beat this so that I can face my future children without shame. I'm going to beat this so that I can be the best mother that I could possibly be in this life. I'm going to beat this to prove at least in my case, Dr. Hill is wrong. I'm going to beat this just to say that I did.

Until later...

Digestion, Please...

It's hard to tell
 the extent of the bloating
from this pic,
but  it's extensive...

Phew! The last 2 days have been the worst bloating days I've had in a LONG time. It's hard to understand what it's like to have a food baby unless you see what it looks like in all its unappealing-ness. Here's a couple of pictures so you can see what's really going on & why I'm talking about it so much....

This is my stomach from the side in the grips of my illness.

Today I was so nauseous that I asked to be sent home from work after an hour. I've only had liquids for the last 24 hours & while the bloating has gone down some, it's still protruding way past its bounds. Obviously weight loss is at a halt because of lack of digestion. Truly, I'm feeling a bit anxious. I'm worried that I won't be able to get this under control. I'm worried that I won't have the self control to maintain the diet that my illness requires. I'm not a fan of soup. I can rarely stomach broth & I'm sure I'll tire of meal replacements & smoothies after a while. Can I do it? I don't know, but I suppose it's my journey to find out how & prove that I can. Either way, I'm NOT going to give up trying. I'm pretty sure you can tell from these pics how I'm feeling today...

Gastroparesis Strikes Again

What would I do without family, really? I know mine lives thousands of miles away, but REALLY, what would I do without them? My mother might as well be my primary care provider because she always seems to know more than these imbeciles I visit that call themselves doctors. Not to put down the medical profession as a whole. I know it has a lot to offer & does a lot of good, but I always manage to end up with doctors who either know nothing about my medical conditions & blunder on like they do or who look at me like I'm a peon who doesn't know her own body. It's aggravating that I can't ask for my money back from all the doctors I wasted my precious income on. Take for example today's predicament: 2 years ago I was thrown from general practitioner to general practitioner until they exhausted all options & finally sent me to a specialist who after multiple, immensely expensive tests tells me the medical term for what I already know is wrong with my body. They try out a couple of medications, some of which seemed mildly successful & sent me on my way. Now, 2 years later, I find out there is a dietary plan that should have accompanied my diagnosis & would have helped my condition along greatly. I should have known better than to take a doctor's word for it. Who doubts a specialist though, especially the only doctor thus far who had given me any answers? I'm not writing this in a hateful or angry manner, although I'm not mincing words. I'm writing it as a warning to those unaware to always do your research. It's your body & no matter what doctor or philosophy you follow, your health (within reason) is up to you.

What does this diet consist of then? It's not what you would think, I assure you. In order to control my gastroparesis I'm supposed to......eat a low fiber diet. I know, it's so counter-intuitive to all diet philosophy that I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around it, but here's what I've figured out thanks to this nifty website:

• Fiber (found in fruits, vegetables & grains) delays my already delayed  stomach emptying because of the body's inability to digest it; therefore, if I eat it in large amounts, as I have been lately, digestion seems to come to almost a standstill
• The solution is: avoiding high fiber foods like beans, whole grains, nuts, & certain fruits & veggies as much as possible & replacing them with low fiber alternatives & liquidized meal replacement concoctions to aid the body in digestion

I'll figure it out with time, I'm sure, but in the meantime I've bought a new blender, a low-fiber-friendly array of fruits & veggies & a meal replacement mix. We'll see if it helps in the days to come. For now, I'm gonna take a nap so my hubby & I can make it to the midnight opening of The Dark Knight Rises. 

Today I feel:

Squash & Zucchini

Today I:

• Hit 10 lbs weight loss! 
• Bought 3 cutsey matching water bottles
• Cooked for 2 hours

One of my coworkers gave me some delightfully over-sized squash & zucchini. Ok, so they might look normal sized in my pic, but they are really over 1 foot each (that's a table not a plate). With my first 2 pickings I had 2 thoughts: zucchini, squash & bacon; & ZUCCHINI BREAD! I had to use up the rest of the bacon I purchased before my health goals & so I put it on the George Foreman to make sure as much grease as possible was extricated, then I blotted it on a paper towel, then added it, along with some corn, to my sauteing squash, zucchini, & seasonings. It was delightful. I forgot to take a pic before we ate most of it. A large amount of bacon was left on the bottom, but the servings Aaron & I had were very vegetably ;) It was a very nice meal!

 I should have taken pictures of my Zucchini bread endeavors, but here's the gist of it: I bought a hand-crank grater for 25 cents at a garage sale because I'm too clumsy to use a regular grater without injuring myself. Sadly, said grater was ineffective. I spent about 30+minutes grating 2 cups of zucchini. It was exhausting, but in the end I made 2 zucchini bread cakes (one for Aaron & I, & 1 for our upstairs housemates) using whole wheat flour & substituting 1/2 sugar with a truvia/honey mix. It came out very good indeed. Aaron insists he doesn't like whole wheat in any form, but he enjoyed it & ate it heartily enough :)

Thanks for all the detox ideas. I think I'm going to try a few out :)

Today I feel:

Ambrosia From Heaven

Today I had 2 blood sugar plummets. I should have learned by now cereal doesn't cut it for breakfast, but I was in a hurry & Special K blueberry sounded delightful. My other crash was right before leaving work this evening. It hits & whoosh -  I've got a headache & I feel like taking a nap instead of eating. It's not very fun. I calculated my daily caloric intake today after finishing dinner: 1310. That's it. I had three meals & a snack today too! Tomorrow must do better with planning. As for today, I fit in an extra 200 calories so I'd at least make 1500 & hopefully that's enough. Must get sleep for this headache though. It's one of those that once it's here, it's not going away until I sleep a bit. It's hard to think I was eating twice as many calories a day only 8 days ago. Tomorrow, I'm shooting for 1,700-2,000. Anything less obviously is too much of a shock to my system. 

I had a half a mini-seedless watermelon as part of my lunch today & I devoured it in less than 5 minutes. It was the most delicious watermelon I've had in my entire life. Truly, as I reverted to my hum-while-I-eat 5 year old self, I thought this must be what they serve for meals in heaven. I LOVE watermelon!

2 more lbs off today (9 total). Took my measurements: 3 inches off my waist, 2 off my hips. Woot-woot! Can't wait to get out of stretchy pants.

Today I feel:

7 lbs in 7 days

Woke up this morning for find another 2 lbs had slipped off. That's 7 lbs in 7 days & exactly 1 point down on the BMI. I know it might seem like it's coming off to quickly, but let me assure you, I'm eating full meals & not stressing myself out over anything. It's just that I was pretty much eating fast food for every lunch & dinner & now I'm not. My calorie intake has come down to a normal range so, my "over-inflation" so to speak, is disappearing quickly. I know my weight loss will slow down after another 10-20 lbs or so & I'll have to really step it up.

I had the brilliant idea today to organize the contents of my cabinet & fridge by food groups. I think this is going to speed my meal planning along greatly. Protein - check. Grains - check. Fruits&Veggies - check! (These are not the only groups I made, btw..)

I've been reading health food books like CRAZY! Next week I'll have to go grocery shopping again & I hope to have built up an adequate knowledge to make good choices at the store. I think I'm going to make a list of meal options by meal on Pinterest so I'll have somewhere to start from....

Well, gonna get to that now. Till tomorrow! :)

Today I feel:

5 lbs & A Walk in the Park

I know it's just the way it is at the beginning of eating well, but I am so proud of my 5lb/one week weight loss! Honestly, I feel like everything has changed in this one week. Last week, I was overwhelmed & kind of bummed at the prospect of completely reforming my eating habits & focusing on health, but as the week progressed, it became exciting. It became a challenge that I could conquer. I went into the produce section of Safeway & my husband & I were stunned to realize we'd never even been to that section of the store before & everything there was new & exciting & fresh & beautiful for all its colors. I mean, look how pretty vegetables are?

I want these in my life & in my kitchen. I want these in my diet & I want to say I've conquered obesity & in turn my other chronic illnesses. This is my turning point.

Today Aaron & I decided to take our puppy to the park for a walk. It was blazing hot, though not as hot as it's been all week. Our baby Elvis was so curious he had to stop to investigate every little thing & Aaron ended up carrying him for a good portion of the time cause we just couldn't keep him on track. Elvis has been our little blessing these last 4 months. Aaron & I both were just in a funk that he helped us out of with his moth chasing & Domo wrestling & stick fetching cuteness. Elvis has been just what we needed.  Here's to you, baby boy :)

Today I feel:

Sugar Cravings & the Beastly Dragon

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Honestly, I didn't really get over it all day, but this morning, I was a beastly dragon. I don't know if it was a shortage of sleep or what, but I was EXTREMELY emotionally charged. Glad to be home now. By myself.

Scale says I'm about 4 lbs down now. Again, I'm not sure I'll trust to that completely, but it sure feels good to see results. Honestly, I'm not sure how I'd react if I didn't  see them. Negative emotions would inevitably seep in & discouragement would probably take over again. That can't happen, but irregardless of scale results, my tummy bloating seems to be lessening a bit every day, & except for today, I've had more energy.

I was craving sugar last night like no other. I made Aaron take me to the store to find some healthy options. I wanted cherries & watermelon, but whoa Safeway, simmer down on the produce prices. I settled for a SunRype fruit strip (check link for nutritional info) & it was DELICIOUS & nutritious & satisfying. I don't think I'll keep these in stock in my house, because knowing me, I'll eat the whole stock in 2 days or less, but it's a fabulous snack option/candy replacement.

While we were there, we also picked up some Naked Juice coconut water. I've been hearing the benefits of coconut from so many sources lately & though some of them are controversial, I figured 2 things: 1) it's worth a shot & 2) it'd make an excellent mixer for smoothies of which I hope to be making many for breakfasts of the future.

Found a book at Goodwill tonight that I'm excited to read. It's part of Reader's Digest's Health & Healing: The Natural Way series & is called "Eating For Good Health."

 

It explains in terms I can understand how to formulate my diet to encourage my PERSONAL health. Thank you Reader's Digest & whoever donated this book to Goodwill. I'll let you know what I learn from it as I read, but my expectations are high :)

Well goodnight, friends! Happy Friday! Oh, & CLEARLY this is me today:

Food is my Friend

Today I'm feeling amazingly chill about everything. I kept my 2 lbs off! I ate well. I had a little more energy at work today & I know there's much in the future, but I don't really want to think about it right now. Just going to drink my water, play a little Kung Fu Panda 2  with my husband on the Kinnect, and let tomorrow come at me as it will.

One pattern I've been noticing that I feel I should mention before I leave to do some poorly executed karate chops, is the guilt I feel about eating even the healthiest meals. This is what I keep having to tell myself: There is no need to feel shame for eating."Food is good. Food is necessary. Food can be my best friend on my journey to health." Maybe it'll sink in when the weight starts coming off more significantly.

Ironically & awesomely, this is me today:

A Look in the Mirror

Have you ever become comfortable with something & then one day you look at it & it's a whole new beast? Like an, "OMG! How did I never notice that Uncle Ted looks like the uni-bomber?!" kind of realization? I did that with my body last night. I started to look at it, really look at it & thought, "Dear Heavens, where did all of this come from?" It's a bit disturbing to realize the thing I should probably know the most, I've been looking right past. Think I better start looking, really looking, more often...

Started my diet plan today. I went to Safeway on my lunch break & picked out some of their pre-made yet under 300 calorie salads for lunches for the next 3 days. I had the Southwest one today & YUM! I've tried to save money in the past by making my own salads, but let's be honest, does it really save money when it sits in your fridge for 5 days & you throw it away? I've only had crappy, I'm renting this place kind of fridges the last few years, so I don't even feel safe eating produce I've stored in it. Salads have to be on a buy to use immediately basis for me or I won't eat them. I think I found a working solution to that though, so YAY!!!

I've lost 2 lbs in the last 4 days. I don't know if I should trust that reading though. My weight is known to fluctuate 2-5 lbs a day. I don't think that's normal, but when you overeat regularly but not so much some days as others, I guess it makes sense.

Today I feel:

Jenny's +/- Diet Plan

I have had 5 big heartbreaks in my life, some had to do with boys, some with life's general heartaches. Those who know me well will probably sit & try to figure out what they all are, but the truth is, no one but myself & omniscient Diety could know the extent of them. All of my major weight gains & losses revolve around these 5 big heartbreaks. So, in essence I'm saying, I'm the epitome of an emotional eater. I don't know if it was the school offering pizza parties for academic achievement  or my roommates telling me all sorrow can be healed with chocolate, but I somehow in my mind equate success & failure alike with food. I succeeded, YAY! Let's have ice cream! or I suck. Let's have ice cream. That's pretty much me in a nutshell. Mimi always said "there's a separate compartment in your stomach for ice cream" & let's be honest, I've been telling myself that my whole life. Not blaming you, Mimi (*hugs*) just saying that's what I've been doing.

So after stressing MUCHO yesterday about my diet plan, I decided to look past the diet plans into the core of healthy living & what really works for me & here's what I came up with:

I know it obviously doesn't solve all of my problems, but it's a starting place. It won't shock my system in the extreme & it doesn't overwhelm me to consider executing this plan. In fact, I think I will feel excited to get my +1 reward each day. Your thoughts about this plan?!?

Also, I saw this on my Facebook feed this morning & I thought, "could there be any better way to express my feeling today?" Yesterday, I had a bit of a battle with my anger demon. I think it's wonderful & necessary to let yourself feel emotions good or bad, but my demon's been popping out too often lately so I needed a little reminder this morning to "fake it till I make it."

Until tomorrow...

Meal Planning

Some women are blessed with a dainty little cough. Mine sounds more like a seal hacking up a fur-ball to put it quite bluntly. I wish it would just go away!

This entry comes as somewhat of an apology, to myself & to those I love for curling inward during my darkest moments over the last few years instead of reaching out. It's hard to express what brought me to such a point, but if I ignored your calls or didn't answer your emails, truly it wasn't you. It was me.

Funny how a little illness changes your outlook on everything. I used to love cooking & I was pretty good at it to boot. In fact, Aaron says he fell in love with me because of my cooking. Regardless of whether that's true or not, there has been very little cooking in our 2 years of marriage. Not just heating up some mac&cheese or boiling a hot dog, of course there's been that, I mean real authentic cooking. Oh I get to it when I feel up to it, but that's not very often - maybe 4 meals of actual cooking a week. I feel like I've failed in my wifely duties. Some days I wonder how Aaron hasn't gained weight with all the unhealthy things he's eaten with me these last 2 years. One day I know he will, when his metabolism catches up to him, & then I'll wish I'd fed him better, but I think I better do us both a service & go ahead & start.


I want to make a balanced meal plan, but I don't want to waste what's already in my kitchen & truthfully I don't know where to start. Which bring me to my next point-- WHY DON'T THEY TEACH THIS STUFF IN SCHOOL?!? I don't mean that food pyramid BS. You could show me that graph all day & I still wouldn't know how to actually translate it into the exact proportions I actually need for my body. I mean, have a child sit down & learn how to plan out & write down a balanced diet utilizing foods they like? Usually I'd say the place to learn primary functions like this is at home, but given the nation's current obesity level, I think we can rule out that option as being sufficient. If we could at least instill practical nutritional knowledge in our citizens, I'd say the government's got at least one thing right. Oh, & for goodness sake, this is a health blog. Don't turn it into a political discussion. Just let me have my own opinion on my own little blog space. My point is basically this - while I don't blame my own obesity on anyone but myself, I feel my decisions could have been more informed & I certainly hope my children's will be even more so. My second point is: I DON'T KNOW HOW to PLAN MY OWN MEALS! Thus far I've only gotten frustrated with websites & their pre-made plans because it means I have to restock my entire pantry when I just went shopping. Other sites I have to already know what I want & just enter it in when gosh, I know how to type a spreadsheet already. I just don't know how to adequately fill this one in! A little help would be MUCH appreciated. 

ALSO, today I am feeling:

Let's Get Down to Specifics

Today I woke up with a head cold. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't just finish my 2nd round of antibiotics for bronchitis & a sinus infection less than a week ago. It doesn't seem to matter what type of precautions I take for my allergies - medicine, allergen protectors, constantly bathing my dog & washing my clothes & bedding in hypoallergenic soaps & detergents, nasal rinses, humidifiers, salt gargles, honey lemon tea concoctions - I am still constantly getting infections. Bottom line - it bites the big one.

My husband works at a main-stream pizza delivery place part time while he's going to college. I know, I know. It's pretty much as bad as you think. He brings home at least 2 pizzas every week which means I have a least 4 meals worth of pizza every week. I'm grateful. I ask for them, but I shouldn't. Today I had 4 pieces of stuffed crust BBQ chicken pizza, 2 for lunch & 2 for dinner. At about 400 calories per slice, that's a whopping 1600 calories just on pizza. That is mortifying. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous & ashamed of my choice. My head is raging with taunts of "pig!" "cow!" "fatso!" I feel every second of those calories both physically & mentally, but I just can't seem to stop myself.

Given those 2 factors alone, I'd say my stress level today is at about a 95%, just short of panic attack. I think it's time for some relaxation techniques before I overload completely.

Since this is the beginning of my blogging for health experience. I feel it necessary to share my raw-uncensored "in the beginning" photos. Usually taking a picture for me is taking at least 10-20 shots & chosing the one that makes me look the least chunky, but this time, I had my husband take 3 shots from 3 different angles & that's it. So, in truth, this is me, every overweight & sick inch:

This is my most flattering shot.
My problem areas are not
accentuated from the front.

From the back you see 2 of my most
troubled areas: my upper back & arms.

This is by far the worst shot.
Prominently displayed are
my flabby arms,
my huge double chin,
& my protruding belly.

You can blame my gastroparesis for the protruding belly. It took 1 year, 3 specialists, and more tests than I can count to get an actual diagnosis of "gastroparesis." Basically what happens is I eat food, it makes its way to my stomach & it sits there for however long it feels like. It has caused a multitude of symptoms including: nausea, vomiting, obviously a distended stomach, a horrible flaring of my GERD & many times an inability to sit up because of the pressure it puts on my stomach. Gastropareis is the reason I decided to take a break from college. When I made that decision a year ago, it happened much more frequently & I didn't know how to handle it, but with medication & as you can imagine - a wardrobe full of really stretchy pants, I've got it to a point of functionality. Still, it bothers the heck out of me. Though it doesn't seem to follow much of a pattern of what it can handle & what it can't, on days like today it's the worst, because it can never seem to handle pizza.

I quite enjoyed finding pictures to express my emotional state, so I think I'm going to make it a tradition for each blog I write. Today I feel this:

"And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched. And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me. And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately. And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace." 
-Luke 8:43-48

Now the waterworks begin in truth...

What's This All About?

So, some might think, "Jenny, you already have a blog. Why Another?" My answer is: "It's necessary." What weighs on me more than anything is the status of my health. In the last 5 years I've been diagnosed with 5 new chronic diseases. In the last 3 years, I've gained 65 lbs giving me a BMI of 39.1. That's obesity, my friends, plain & simple. For me to be in the normal range, I would have to lose 115 lbs. This is not just about being normal or feeling good about myself though. 
If I don't change my lifestyle & lose weight, it's a guaranteed certainty I that:

• I will develop type 2 diabetes
• My liver function will continue to decrease & eventually cause cirrhosis
• My psoriatic arthritis will continue to flair & make mobility increasingly difficult
• My GERD & Gastroparesis will damage my esophageal lining
• My menses will never be regulated
• I am at high risk to develop heart disease, high blood pressure, metabolic syndrome, etc
• & The most painful of these consequences: I might never conceive

It's embarrassing to think that most of my medical problems are self induced. It's embarrassing to think that I would never have made it to this point with 7 diagnosed diseases if I could just control my eating habits & exercise more. I can't give you enough words to describe the levels of anxiety & shame that arise when I face this reality, but these images speak to that part of me:

If there is one thing I hope to accomplish with keeping this blog, it's to get support. I have proven time & time again that I am not capable of handing my diet & motivating myself to eat well on my lonesome. Words of encouragement have not been enough either. I think what I need is both self-accountability & inspiration from others working in conjunction towards the common goal of health. I've said it so many times in the last 5 years, but I'm tired of feeling lost & I'm tired of feeling tired & I 'm tired of letting my body control me. I want my life back. I want my body back. I want my cherished aspirations to include health & fitness & general well-being & I want my aspirations of health to become my reality. I know I'm going to fail. I know I'm going struggle, but eventually I also know, I am going to succeed because there has to be another option than just watching my body & in consequence, my life fall to shambles. I won't accept that as an option any longer.