Uugghh...

I woke up in the middle of the night with a ghastly stomach bug. I know throwing up sometimes can be relieving, but after a certain point in time, it's like WHAT'S LEFT TO THROW UP? My throat is still burning & it's been hours since I stopped getting sick. To put it not so eloquently: today is LAME.

Here's been my pattern of eating the last week. Breakfast: legit, Lunch: legit, Dinner: whatever. No wonder I haven't lost any more weight, but I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. Let's face it. I'm overcoming a life-long pattern of bad eating habits. I know on the weight loss TV shows they delve hard-core into "the perfect diet" but I've done that before, & every time I've backtracked. It's too hard. There is too much pressure. I cave. As it stands, I've messed up on a few meals. I've made a few exceptions but I haven't gained any weight back because even though I'm making bad nutritional choices, I'm still maintaining a healthy calorie count. Will I need to do better in the future? Absolutely. Have I done better in the past? Absolutely, but I know if I put myself down about either of these realities, I'm going to fail. Right now, I'm taking it one meal at a time & after about a month of efforts, I'm still going which is more than I can say for my last several attempts at weight loss.

Lately I've felt a bit judged. I'm certain intentions were correct & my emotional state skewed things a bit,   but I need support, not to be criticized. I know how to eat right. Don't we all when it really truly comes down to it? My problem lies not in motivation or knowledge. My problem lies in habit & emotion. Habits are hard to break & emotions hard to avoid. My typical coping mechanism for negative emotion is food, so attacking my less favorable food choices leads me to what? Oh yeah, negative emotion & therefore, more food....Praise me for my steps forward, but please, please don't criticize me for my little screw-ups. I do enough of that myself...

Today I feel:

15 lbs! Say What?!

Ok, so maybe I don't know that much about the mechanics of weight loss,but I've been following my 1650 calorie diet pretty strictly & this is not some 1-2 lb weight loss a week going on here. In 20 days I've lost 15 lbs. It's exciting. It's awesome, but should I be concerned at the rate I'm dropping the pounds? Shouldn't it have slowed down a bit? Maybe it's because my stomach has started to work again. I have lost 6 inches in my waist. That's monumental given my constant state of bloating these last 2 years. I've been following the gastroparesis diet pretty strictly - low fiber, lots of liquids, etc - & digestion seems to be relatively back in business, although I would not yet call it normal. I don't know. I'm happy, but part of me fears that this is too good to be true or that I'm doing something wrong for it to be dropping so quickly. Any ideas?

I feel great right now, almost like I can wear real, non-stretchy pants again! That will be AMAZING!! I tried a bit of aerobic exercise this week, but my joints were not feeling it. Guess I'll have to lose a bit more weight for the pressure to not be overwhelming. I'm dying to go swimming. I tried to talk Aaron into it today, but he's got way to much homework to even consider it. Once his finals are over in a couple of weeks though, you can't keep me away from the water! In the meantime, I'm half-way through the Hunger Games trilogy this weekend. Reading it makes me feel a little stronger. I love being inspired by fiction. I love rereading my favorite books during different phases of my life & seeing how differently I interpret them. The question is: Harry Potter or Percy Jackson next?

Today I feel like this...
the more confused, more childish version of myself...

& yes, this is actually me as a child...

Reflections on PCOS

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's an endocrine disorder that effects pretty much every part of your femininity, from screwing up your menstrual cycle to hair thinning, the symptoms are many & the severity variable from patient to patient. Here are the parts that get to me the most: sporadic & erratic periods, hair thinning, hirsutism (excess hair growth on face & body), and infertility. Being stripped of 3 of the most defining qualities of femininity, I feel exposed. I feel alienated. I feel the need to hide it & avoid it any way I can. How can you feel beautiful when you can see bald spots in your hair? How can you feel beautiful at the prospect of nonstop waxing & shaving & plucking & the fear that you'll miss a spot or someone will guess your secret? How can you feel like a real woman in the face of barrenness? I know it can be done, but our society does not prepare you for it, nor even make place for you to admit it's existence without judgment or ridicule. 


PCOS is one of my secret areas of shame. You have no idea the amount of self-consciousness I feel putting this out in the open, but I feel it must be done because the truth is I feel less of a person because of this illness. I feel broken. I feel inadequate. I feel the deepest shame when it comes to these issues. Sure, no one makes fun of the balding cancer patient, but what about the balding PCOS patient who has tried everything possible to reverse hair loss & still it thins & thins & thins? I never thought until the last few years how much depends on a full head of hair, but a combination of PCOS, Hypothyroidism, & Psoriasis have left me this & all I can think is WHY ME? It's humiliating.


I'm not trying to sound melodramatic or even asking for pity, but these are emotions that I have shoved under the rug for a long time. I've never truly confronted them or worked through them. That is what I am doing with this entry: facing my demons. I'm saying I have an illness & it embarrasses the heck out of me. I have an illness that even after 15 years, I've never come to terms with. I have no idea how I'm going to do that, but I think writing this is a start...Until tomorrow...

Today I feel this:

Sluggish

Last 3 days I've thought about nothing but being sick & I'm kind of tired of it. This morning Aaron & I took a walk in the park & I got to dip my toes in the lake. I LOVE SWIMMING. Really, part of me thinks I must have been a fish in another life. Any chance I can get, I'm all over it! I wish I could have a pool of my own or join a gym just to take water aerobics, but that's not in my immediate financial future, so for today, I'm satisfied with dipping my toes in mildly cool lake water on a hot day.

I took an extra long nap this afternoon & I'm sorely regretting it right now. I feel like I wasted half my day & I woke up with nothing but an "I WANT CAFFEINE!" monster rambling around in my head to show for it. Not sure what I'm going to do with my evening yet, but it most definitely will NOT include laying down.

Today I feel:

5 lbs & A Walk in the Park

I know it's just the way it is at the beginning of eating well, but I am so proud of my 5lb/one week weight loss! Honestly, I feel like everything has changed in this one week. Last week, I was overwhelmed & kind of bummed at the prospect of completely reforming my eating habits & focusing on health, but as the week progressed, it became exciting. It became a challenge that I could conquer. I went into the produce section of Safeway & my husband & I were stunned to realize we'd never even been to that section of the store before & everything there was new & exciting & fresh & beautiful for all its colors. I mean, look how pretty vegetables are?

I want these in my life & in my kitchen. I want these in my diet & I want to say I've conquered obesity & in turn my other chronic illnesses. This is my turning point.

Today Aaron & I decided to take our puppy to the park for a walk. It was blazing hot, though not as hot as it's been all week. Our baby Elvis was so curious he had to stop to investigate every little thing & Aaron ended up carrying him for a good portion of the time cause we just couldn't keep him on track. Elvis has been our little blessing these last 4 months. Aaron & I both were just in a funk that he helped us out of with his moth chasing & Domo wrestling & stick fetching cuteness. Elvis has been just what we needed.  Here's to you, baby boy :)

Today I feel:

Food is my Friend

Today I'm feeling amazingly chill about everything. I kept my 2 lbs off! I ate well. I had a little more energy at work today & I know there's much in the future, but I don't really want to think about it right now. Just going to drink my water, play a little Kung Fu Panda 2  with my husband on the Kinnect, and let tomorrow come at me as it will.

One pattern I've been noticing that I feel I should mention before I leave to do some poorly executed karate chops, is the guilt I feel about eating even the healthiest meals. This is what I keep having to tell myself: There is no need to feel shame for eating."Food is good. Food is necessary. Food can be my best friend on my journey to health." Maybe it'll sink in when the weight starts coming off more significantly.

Ironically & awesomely, this is me today:

A Look in the Mirror

Have you ever become comfortable with something & then one day you look at it & it's a whole new beast? Like an, "OMG! How did I never notice that Uncle Ted looks like the uni-bomber?!" kind of realization? I did that with my body last night. I started to look at it, really look at it & thought, "Dear Heavens, where did all of this come from?" It's a bit disturbing to realize the thing I should probably know the most, I've been looking right past. Think I better start looking, really looking, more often...

Started my diet plan today. I went to Safeway on my lunch break & picked out some of their pre-made yet under 300 calorie salads for lunches for the next 3 days. I had the Southwest one today & YUM! I've tried to save money in the past by making my own salads, but let's be honest, does it really save money when it sits in your fridge for 5 days & you throw it away? I've only had crappy, I'm renting this place kind of fridges the last few years, so I don't even feel safe eating produce I've stored in it. Salads have to be on a buy to use immediately basis for me or I won't eat them. I think I found a working solution to that though, so YAY!!!

I've lost 2 lbs in the last 4 days. I don't know if I should trust that reading though. My weight is known to fluctuate 2-5 lbs a day. I don't think that's normal, but when you overeat regularly but not so much some days as others, I guess it makes sense.

Today I feel:

Jenny's +/- Diet Plan

I have had 5 big heartbreaks in my life, some had to do with boys, some with life's general heartaches. Those who know me well will probably sit & try to figure out what they all are, but the truth is, no one but myself & omniscient Diety could know the extent of them. All of my major weight gains & losses revolve around these 5 big heartbreaks. So, in essence I'm saying, I'm the epitome of an emotional eater. I don't know if it was the school offering pizza parties for academic achievement  or my roommates telling me all sorrow can be healed with chocolate, but I somehow in my mind equate success & failure alike with food. I succeeded, YAY! Let's have ice cream! or I suck. Let's have ice cream. That's pretty much me in a nutshell. Mimi always said "there's a separate compartment in your stomach for ice cream" & let's be honest, I've been telling myself that my whole life. Not blaming you, Mimi (*hugs*) just saying that's what I've been doing.

So after stressing MUCHO yesterday about my diet plan, I decided to look past the diet plans into the core of healthy living & what really works for me & here's what I came up with:

I know it obviously doesn't solve all of my problems, but it's a starting place. It won't shock my system in the extreme & it doesn't overwhelm me to consider executing this plan. In fact, I think I will feel excited to get my +1 reward each day. Your thoughts about this plan?!?

Also, I saw this on my Facebook feed this morning & I thought, "could there be any better way to express my feeling today?" Yesterday, I had a bit of a battle with my anger demon. I think it's wonderful & necessary to let yourself feel emotions good or bad, but my demon's been popping out too often lately so I needed a little reminder this morning to "fake it till I make it."

Until tomorrow...

Meal Planning

Some women are blessed with a dainty little cough. Mine sounds more like a seal hacking up a fur-ball to put it quite bluntly. I wish it would just go away!

This entry comes as somewhat of an apology, to myself & to those I love for curling inward during my darkest moments over the last few years instead of reaching out. It's hard to express what brought me to such a point, but if I ignored your calls or didn't answer your emails, truly it wasn't you. It was me.

Funny how a little illness changes your outlook on everything. I used to love cooking & I was pretty good at it to boot. In fact, Aaron says he fell in love with me because of my cooking. Regardless of whether that's true or not, there has been very little cooking in our 2 years of marriage. Not just heating up some mac&cheese or boiling a hot dog, of course there's been that, I mean real authentic cooking. Oh I get to it when I feel up to it, but that's not very often - maybe 4 meals of actual cooking a week. I feel like I've failed in my wifely duties. Some days I wonder how Aaron hasn't gained weight with all the unhealthy things he's eaten with me these last 2 years. One day I know he will, when his metabolism catches up to him, & then I'll wish I'd fed him better, but I think I better do us both a service & go ahead & start.


I want to make a balanced meal plan, but I don't want to waste what's already in my kitchen & truthfully I don't know where to start. Which bring me to my next point-- WHY DON'T THEY TEACH THIS STUFF IN SCHOOL?!? I don't mean that food pyramid BS. You could show me that graph all day & I still wouldn't know how to actually translate it into the exact proportions I actually need for my body. I mean, have a child sit down & learn how to plan out & write down a balanced diet utilizing foods they like? Usually I'd say the place to learn primary functions like this is at home, but given the nation's current obesity level, I think we can rule out that option as being sufficient. If we could at least instill practical nutritional knowledge in our citizens, I'd say the government's got at least one thing right. Oh, & for goodness sake, this is a health blog. Don't turn it into a political discussion. Just let me have my own opinion on my own little blog space. My point is basically this - while I don't blame my own obesity on anyone but myself, I feel my decisions could have been more informed & I certainly hope my children's will be even more so. My second point is: I DON'T KNOW HOW to PLAN MY OWN MEALS! Thus far I've only gotten frustrated with websites & their pre-made plans because it means I have to restock my entire pantry when I just went shopping. Other sites I have to already know what I want & just enter it in when gosh, I know how to type a spreadsheet already. I just don't know how to adequately fill this one in! A little help would be MUCH appreciated. 

ALSO, today I am feeling:

Let's Get Down to Specifics

Today I woke up with a head cold. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't just finish my 2nd round of antibiotics for bronchitis & a sinus infection less than a week ago. It doesn't seem to matter what type of precautions I take for my allergies - medicine, allergen protectors, constantly bathing my dog & washing my clothes & bedding in hypoallergenic soaps & detergents, nasal rinses, humidifiers, salt gargles, honey lemon tea concoctions - I am still constantly getting infections. Bottom line - it bites the big one.

My husband works at a main-stream pizza delivery place part time while he's going to college. I know, I know. It's pretty much as bad as you think. He brings home at least 2 pizzas every week which means I have a least 4 meals worth of pizza every week. I'm grateful. I ask for them, but I shouldn't. Today I had 4 pieces of stuffed crust BBQ chicken pizza, 2 for lunch & 2 for dinner. At about 400 calories per slice, that's a whopping 1600 calories just on pizza. That is mortifying. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous & ashamed of my choice. My head is raging with taunts of "pig!" "cow!" "fatso!" I feel every second of those calories both physically & mentally, but I just can't seem to stop myself.

Given those 2 factors alone, I'd say my stress level today is at about a 95%, just short of panic attack. I think it's time for some relaxation techniques before I overload completely.

Since this is the beginning of my blogging for health experience. I feel it necessary to share my raw-uncensored "in the beginning" photos. Usually taking a picture for me is taking at least 10-20 shots & chosing the one that makes me look the least chunky, but this time, I had my husband take 3 shots from 3 different angles & that's it. So, in truth, this is me, every overweight & sick inch:

This is my most flattering shot.
My problem areas are not
accentuated from the front.

From the back you see 2 of my most
troubled areas: my upper back & arms.

This is by far the worst shot.
Prominently displayed are
my flabby arms,
my huge double chin,
& my protruding belly.

You can blame my gastroparesis for the protruding belly. It took 1 year, 3 specialists, and more tests than I can count to get an actual diagnosis of "gastroparesis." Basically what happens is I eat food, it makes its way to my stomach & it sits there for however long it feels like. It has caused a multitude of symptoms including: nausea, vomiting, obviously a distended stomach, a horrible flaring of my GERD & many times an inability to sit up because of the pressure it puts on my stomach. Gastropareis is the reason I decided to take a break from college. When I made that decision a year ago, it happened much more frequently & I didn't know how to handle it, but with medication & as you can imagine - a wardrobe full of really stretchy pants, I've got it to a point of functionality. Still, it bothers the heck out of me. Though it doesn't seem to follow much of a pattern of what it can handle & what it can't, on days like today it's the worst, because it can never seem to handle pizza.

I quite enjoyed finding pictures to express my emotional state, so I think I'm going to make it a tradition for each blog I write. Today I feel this:

"And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched. And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me. And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately. And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace." 
-Luke 8:43-48

Now the waterworks begin in truth...

What's This All About?

So, some might think, "Jenny, you already have a blog. Why Another?" My answer is: "It's necessary." What weighs on me more than anything is the status of my health. In the last 5 years I've been diagnosed with 5 new chronic diseases. In the last 3 years, I've gained 65 lbs giving me a BMI of 39.1. That's obesity, my friends, plain & simple. For me to be in the normal range, I would have to lose 115 lbs. This is not just about being normal or feeling good about myself though. 
If I don't change my lifestyle & lose weight, it's a guaranteed certainty I that:

• I will develop type 2 diabetes
• My liver function will continue to decrease & eventually cause cirrhosis
• My psoriatic arthritis will continue to flair & make mobility increasingly difficult
• My GERD & Gastroparesis will damage my esophageal lining
• My menses will never be regulated
• I am at high risk to develop heart disease, high blood pressure, metabolic syndrome, etc
• & The most painful of these consequences: I might never conceive

It's embarrassing to think that most of my medical problems are self induced. It's embarrassing to think that I would never have made it to this point with 7 diagnosed diseases if I could just control my eating habits & exercise more. I can't give you enough words to describe the levels of anxiety & shame that arise when I face this reality, but these images speak to that part of me:

If there is one thing I hope to accomplish with keeping this blog, it's to get support. I have proven time & time again that I am not capable of handing my diet & motivating myself to eat well on my lonesome. Words of encouragement have not been enough either. I think what I need is both self-accountability & inspiration from others working in conjunction towards the common goal of health. I've said it so many times in the last 5 years, but I'm tired of feeling lost & I'm tired of feeling tired & I 'm tired of letting my body control me. I want my life back. I want my body back. I want my cherished aspirations to include health & fitness & general well-being & I want my aspirations of health to become my reality. I know I'm going to fail. I know I'm going struggle, but eventually I also know, I am going to succeed because there has to be another option than just watching my body & in consequence, my life fall to shambles. I won't accept that as an option any longer.