The Future

2012 held many life experiences that will thankfully never be repeated. Those I shall not mention for the wound is still too fresh for the scar to teach its lesson. Another year brings a brand new beginning literally for me. A new town, a new job (hypothetical as of yet), a new school, and new way of living altogether. I can't say I'm not a little scared, for these new changes mean uncertainty, venerability, and admission of past failure, but I must stay positive for they also mean new opportunities, second chances, and a world of possibilities yet unknown. What I choose now will determine the rest of my life, of that I am sure, but I can't put that kind of pressure on myself, so I resolve to take one step at a time. I resolve to look forward with hope. I resolve to not give up no matter how hard it gets. I resolve to love myself with the care I deserve and to free myself from those who will not do likewise. I resolve to be stronger than I feel. I resolve to look outside of myself when looking inward becomes too painful. I resolve to create a future far better than my past.

Another Year Gone...

Yesterday I turned 28. I know to some of you that seems so young still, but it passed so quickly, I worry that life will only continue to speed up & I won't get around to the things I want to do. Every day in "circle time" I do a "check" with my preschoolers to make sure their feet, eyes, & hands are in the right place & that their ears are open to listening. It refocuses them & helps them to remember where they are at & what they're supposed to be doing. This birthday for me has been a "check," & while I think I've been where I needed to be for the most part, I also think it's time for some changes.

For 2 years, out of necessity my focus was primarily inward & it's been hard to get back on track because I lost myself a little bit in my illness. I've been on a journey this last year to regroup & figure out what I'm capable of & how I'm going to get to functioning at full capacity & while I'm still figuring out the details, I'm coming to realize that, well, if it looks like a duck & it quacks like a duck, it most likely is a duck. Even in illness I was/am still outspoken, caring, and strong. I was 18 (10 years ago, can you believe that?!) when someone I can still only remember the 1st name of told me that she could see in me that I was put on this earth to help others. Now I'm not trying to sound or be self righteous or showy, but I'm tired of "getting mine" & "feeling vindicated" & all of those other BS phrases that the world is telling me is the purpose of my existence. I AM my best self when I'm in the service of others. I thrive on the thrill of doing & being something more than a self-sustaining entity. There is a joy that comes from giving that cannot be equaled by any other emotion. It is a quality of Godliness if ever I have seen one. Therefore, it is the quality that I am most determined to emulate.

This week my class studied the letter L. During the week, I discovered that most of the most important words in life start with L, my favorites being  love, laughter, and light. These are the purpose of life though not the journey for to feel the fullness of love you must lose it, to fully understand the joy of laughter you must cry & and to comprehend the beauty & depth of light you must see darkness. That is the brilliance of life & in it, my purpose, to help others see past the journey to the destination & not just the final destination, but the destination of each move we make. Ie: I smile to bring light. I dance to bring laughter. I love to bring joy & while I still make mistakes, I realize that mistakes are part of the journey, not the destination. That is one stellar realization. Boo-yah!

Voyage Home

My voyage into the land of 2x was both perilous & debilitating. I am so very glad to be back in the familiar land of XL. I can't say that it's home or anywhere near a final destination, but it's safe. Friday night I was making my weekly thrift store run & felt inspired to try on some blue jeans. I found some super cute size 18s & was pleasantly surprised to find them too large. Well, let's tell the honest truth here: size 18s were always too large in certain areas. I don't what major body changes designers think women go through between size 16 & 18, but I assure you, my ass does not triple in size. The problem with my body type is this: it kind of tapers like a carrot. The higher up on my waistline I place my pants, the tighter they become & the slope gets worse as my weight increases. This is why it's impossible for me to wear pantyhose (if ever I had the inclination to). They just roll down constantly, but that's another story altogether. Think about it this way: I gained 80 lbs & only went up 1 pant size. I know, it makes no sense, right? But, alas it was impossible to find well fitting pants in my overweight-ness. This can be accredited to 2 reasons: 1.) I have no ass & designers ASSume women of a certain size must & 2.) My stomach size was constantly changing due to my gastroparesis.

All in all, not counting just this current string of weight loss efforts, but total weight loss from my 80 lb gain, I have lost 31 lbs. I still have 50 to go just to get back to my normal weight, & another 30 or so to get to a healthy weight, but I'm proud of my progress. Here's photo proof of it:

1 Year Ago - August 2011

Yesterday :)

Uugghh...

I woke up in the middle of the night with a ghastly stomach bug. I know throwing up sometimes can be relieving, but after a certain point in time, it's like WHAT'S LEFT TO THROW UP? My throat is still burning & it's been hours since I stopped getting sick. To put it not so eloquently: today is LAME.

Here's been my pattern of eating the last week. Breakfast: legit, Lunch: legit, Dinner: whatever. No wonder I haven't lost any more weight, but I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. Let's face it. I'm overcoming a life-long pattern of bad eating habits. I know on the weight loss TV shows they delve hard-core into "the perfect diet" but I've done that before, & every time I've backtracked. It's too hard. There is too much pressure. I cave. As it stands, I've messed up on a few meals. I've made a few exceptions but I haven't gained any weight back because even though I'm making bad nutritional choices, I'm still maintaining a healthy calorie count. Will I need to do better in the future? Absolutely. Have I done better in the past? Absolutely, but I know if I put myself down about either of these realities, I'm going to fail. Right now, I'm taking it one meal at a time & after about a month of efforts, I'm still going which is more than I can say for my last several attempts at weight loss.

Lately I've felt a bit judged. I'm certain intentions were correct & my emotional state skewed things a bit,   but I need support, not to be criticized. I know how to eat right. Don't we all when it really truly comes down to it? My problem lies not in motivation or knowledge. My problem lies in habit & emotion. Habits are hard to break & emotions hard to avoid. My typical coping mechanism for negative emotion is food, so attacking my less favorable food choices leads me to what? Oh yeah, negative emotion & therefore, more food....Praise me for my steps forward, but please, please don't criticize me for my little screw-ups. I do enough of that myself...

Today I feel:

Taco Hell

So I spent a few days in Taco Hell this week. I've mostly recovered, although my digestion is all backed up again. Can't say it's been fun or worth it or anything of that sort. Old habits are just hard to break. Next week will be much better & thankfully I haven't gained any weight back. I just haven't lost any more.

I worked ALOT  this week, & wore myself out BIG TIME. I came home to rest last night & didn't wake up till 4 pm today. I think the last time I slept that long was the last time I took a Benadryl. Obviously my body needed it though, so I'm not complaining.

Aaron's gone for the weekend, so today I feel:

:( Bad Day...

The last few days, I decided to test the theory of my gastroparesis diet being the cause of my success & eat a few "normal" foods in moderation. I came home from work super tired on Monday, having over 800 calories left for the day, so Aaron suggested KFC. Though I avoided fried chicken, my stomach has paid for the choice for the last 2 days. Then Aaron brought home a package of Oreos & all hell broke loose. Apparently I can't say no to Oreos. Thankfully, I only gained back the 2 additional pounds I've lost bringing my total back to 15 again, but like I said, my stomach is paying for it: nausea, bloating, etc. I just feel yucky.

So, I fell off the wagon a bit. Hopefully today brings a better day with more self restraint...

Today I feel a little like this...

15 lbs! Say What?!

Ok, so maybe I don't know that much about the mechanics of weight loss,but I've been following my 1650 calorie diet pretty strictly & this is not some 1-2 lb weight loss a week going on here. In 20 days I've lost 15 lbs. It's exciting. It's awesome, but should I be concerned at the rate I'm dropping the pounds? Shouldn't it have slowed down a bit? Maybe it's because my stomach has started to work again. I have lost 6 inches in my waist. That's monumental given my constant state of bloating these last 2 years. I've been following the gastroparesis diet pretty strictly - low fiber, lots of liquids, etc - & digestion seems to be relatively back in business, although I would not yet call it normal. I don't know. I'm happy, but part of me fears that this is too good to be true or that I'm doing something wrong for it to be dropping so quickly. Any ideas?

I feel great right now, almost like I can wear real, non-stretchy pants again! That will be AMAZING!! I tried a bit of aerobic exercise this week, but my joints were not feeling it. Guess I'll have to lose a bit more weight for the pressure to not be overwhelming. I'm dying to go swimming. I tried to talk Aaron into it today, but he's got way to much homework to even consider it. Once his finals are over in a couple of weeks though, you can't keep me away from the water! In the meantime, I'm half-way through the Hunger Games trilogy this weekend. Reading it makes me feel a little stronger. I love being inspired by fiction. I love rereading my favorite books during different phases of my life & seeing how differently I interpret them. The question is: Harry Potter or Percy Jackson next?

Today I feel like this...
the more confused, more childish version of myself...

& yes, this is actually me as a child...